Well! Mom returned from a respite away on Tuesday, a few days back. The weather was uncooperative with the possibility of getting away– I truly wanted to get into the woods, but it was not to be– yet I did manage to feel very much refreshed. Even being in my home alone will give me a new perspective on what is going on with Mom. I’m all too often too close to the situation to properly understand where things are within it. Part of me was immediately determined once Mom was away to spend a good chunk of time getting a lot more of the ideas I have about living with her written up, but both taking the step back and simply not dealing with “that” stuff for a few days got me much farther ahead in spirit.
I notice how dangerous my physical stress level had been, for instance, by actually addressing it and learning to be somewhat relaxed in reality. The basic dynamic of energy problems in the home, I’m starting to really see clearly: When I want to use a lot of energy at something, such as writing or building something outside, whatever– using it feels like I’m neglecting my mother. To a point, this is true. And it also feels rude, which while not ‘nuts’ is less the case. In either manner though, it’s very difficult for me to partake in activities where my mother has no input or participation. And, since she is not likely to begin an activity of her own free will, I also feel responsible for making certain she is occupied with at least something marginally fulfilling.
This creates two, yes competing, emotional and psychological impulses. One is to be hyper-vigilant, for signs of distress, what-have-you, that mom may communicate in a non-verbal way, or to watch that all things being attempted are able to safely be resolved. But that tight, unrelaxed, eagle eyed approach also happens within a body that is tied to her rhythms. By trying to involve her in things, it means I am engaged in activities that bring me to a very slow pace. So, I end up compressing ‘tight’ energy into a falsely slow (not relaxed, just slow) pace. I often feel like the reason I have a stiff neck or shoulders has to do with “the energy has to go somewhere.”
The Summer creates a lot more opportunities to avoid this kind of long term negativity, as both Donna and I can gain a lot from spending optimal time out in some of the wonderful green spaces within our hometown and outlying areas, never mind camping or similar getaways. Getting to a place where the weather is inviting and Mom feels at peace and I can do a lot more of the same. But in the Winter mom’s available activities drops off tremendously. Getting out to places where she is both comfortable in her skin and able to enjoy herself is a lot more challenging.
At this time, she still has an ability to enjoy live sports– which makes a lot of immediate sense, as she has both been doing so forever, and a large crowd making noise of pleasure or pain and frustration is surrounding yourself with the cues she craves. She loves to be in a setting where there are means of being reminded what is going on just happening in front of her. If we are in a park, we seldom have any anxious discussion about what is going on, because walking through a park slowly is something that keeps all senses engaged in the activity. By virtue of simply being there she knows what she is doing and her ‘role’ within it.
Mom loves being at the hockey games as well. Her biggest issue is a more pronounced version of the same issues all of us have at live events: They can go on too long. Mom will sometimes speak about wanting to go home during the third period. If the Canucks are playing badly, I’m right there with her in spirit. When we arrive she gets emotional during pre-game ceremonies that rep older players. I fear for her as a fan in a post-Sedin era; The players who have given her specific memories and are wearing Canuck jerseys now are basically Edler and maybe Tanev, probably not, and that’s it.
So now, even as a life long fan, her love of the game is more ritual that participatory. She will cheer for our goals, and make faces at the other team scoring, and just enjoy being out into the real world. It became a major point of strategy last winter for me and for her to get through. Quite simply, having one, monthly pre-planned event to go and do means we are never ‘frozen’ in place by a winter again. When it starts to get ‘too much’ we can also get out, and isolation will stay a real emotional state, but at least there will be plodding along that gets us there. Never, ever, in any mental state, have noting to look forward to. There are plans we have already undertaken and plans I speak of wanting to undertake with her– when they leave my lips, I see a spark in mom’s smile. This is the only reason to live like this with your loved elder: So they can have a life, and not just be alive.
Well, I waited longer than normal to get this written, in large part because while I was off on a respite, I mostly shut down, vis the whole process of being a caregiver. It’s good though, because as a week has passed since she returned home, I feel like I’ll be able to maintain some level of perspective longer. The problem of caregiving isn’t how far from it you grow, but when you get too close to see what is happening. This, more than anything else, must be avoided.