Mom, as par for the course she is currently on, does not converse easily very often. As a result, even I find myself dealing with her much more poorly in the company of other people. I think it is fair to say her ‘care’ from myself is at its lowest when I am around others yet still in our home. My brain goes on the wavelength of the friend who is a peer with mental capacity much the same as mine, and consequently I need to interject myself with double checking on both Moms needs, but also in dealing with her directly the same way I would without a 3rd party. I struggle with this, but the subconscious deletion of her outright from a given scenario is another thing entirely. This comes up too often, and even with “pro” caregivers or those involved in some employment with elders. Well meaning or not, this dynamic is deadly to the humanity of the person who needs help.
Parents may recognize this: When I am talking with mom I use my “talking to the cats” voice, which is also similar to a “talking to toddlers” voice. If there are adults other than mom around, they should instinctively know who I am talking to.
But most people can’t even see someone with dementia. Even those who work with people with dementia cannot see those people they work with sometimes. Just now, something I go through often: Mom is getting on the bus to go to her day plan– and the driver who likes elders, who my mother I can tell genuinely likes as well– and what happens often:
We have a little exchange, I mention any pill changes, etc. Then, mom goes up the chairlift ramp into the bus, and I use my ‘talking to mom‘ voice to say some form of good-bye.
Invariably, the driver tries to answer me. The subconscious patterns are always the same: ‘No one talks to those who have dementia so that must be for me,’ and it’s not at all malicious.
But it happens ALL THE TIME. She’s right there, but people would often be more likely to know what I was doing if I was using that same voice talking to an animal.
I don’t really have a full-on conclusion– but I will say this: I believe it comes from how much human beings separate themselves from the dementia-laden person. There is a sub-conscious part of ourselves that writes them off, and it takes over when instincts about where the next break in the conversation are.
She’s not there, to almost everyone. Even when she is sitting in front of you. It’s beyond frustrating. I think it reflects denial we go through, as a false defense against such definitive examples of our human mortality. But for whatever reason we do it, it still is subliminal abuse towards Donna.