This particular time frame isn’t explicated beyond the immediate moments of terror with Mom and her collapsing condition that particular day, but when I referred to things being better in the prior two months as I wrote this, there were a few things I didn’t get into detail about that were also part of what was affecting me beyond my mother. In the months prior I had been involved in painful discussions with my partner, similarly with my mother’s brother’s son/ my cousin, full supports had only just started to come in and I also held a mini revolution at the beginning of the month of July for myself, as I gave up on my ex & my mothers remaining family– in large part so that I could also bar any further alcohol or cigarettes from the home and not be triggered by further feelings of disregard from the two largest factors in feeling far more isolated than anticipated. Cutting losses as best possible and instead of getting drunk when the feelings of despair or fear of being incapable to this task drove me to dark places, I opted to get on SSRI- anti-depressants.
This post was about 3 weeks into the pills– not at a level where they were “doing what they do” yet, but three weeks without even a drink and more than two weeks without a cigarette and this post was a window into the psyche of “I have to get through this but it’s too damn much…” that I was feeling. Mom and I would also soon be on a crash course of real food wherein I managed to help get her strength back up as well as my own. She walks and usually even stands up on her own now, almost three years later, most of the time. We both stuck to the course, and we got through. Mom still here.
July 31, 2015
something seemed to click today, things all seemed manageable and, for the first time in too long, while mom was out today I realized I was looking forward to seeing her and her getting home. She got in, we had nice talks and relaxed while she played with her cat. I made a good meal early, then we were going to go for a little walk as the sun cooled down (I push her in the chair). I was starting to really feel like life was getting good– not easy, but having made our peace with where we are, things felt good. I like what we do, and now, after figuring it out, I can also handle it and I love that about myself right now.
So mom spoke weakly, and I realized she was quite warm. I had something flu-like the last few days and was terrified I would give it to her. When I checked her temperature, she was at 100 something; nervous, I got her to drink a bunch of water, waited a few minutes and it went down a little, waited a few more and it went back up a little and then she suddenly, out of nowhere, could not handle how to use a thermometer and I started to unravel a bit. After breathing for myself and trying again it did not work, her ability to follow very simple, basic directions vacated. Then she had another problem I am not used to… all in the space of a few minutes. I tried to get her to move into another area of the apartment so I could call 811 and get some direction as to what the Hell was happening, but when she got up and grabbed at her walker she was falling over backwards in front of me. I managed to hold her up while I called 911 instead, going into a panic again.
While the paramedics were on their way here, she could not get onto the toilet, falling forwards with her walker, probably banging her hands and so on. I got her on it, and by the time medics arrived (quickly) I was shaking and drenched in sweat.
I am not kidding about how good I was feeling earlier today. About how things were making sense, and I was looking into the future as something I didn’t need to either fear or put off looking at. We were going for a walk, a nice chance to go pat some other peoples little dogs before bed. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I must have done something wrong. I have no clue, but this is a nightmare. A nightmare on a day where I thought I would start to dream again.
Mom left in the ambulance, I made a phone call to vent and now I post this vent. I’m tired of not being able to enjoy stability for more than one day at a time. It’s coming, everything feels so much better than, say, two months ago. Life does have promise and I don’t need to sacrifice mom to have that promise which is the combo I have been fighting for almost a year. But for Christ’s sake, today was the wrong day for this. I love you mom, I hope I can bring you home right away tomorrow. I just want to stay with our healthy feeling routine. And you’ve got all this fresh fruit here, so get home and eat it while it’s yummy.