In the transition to being “fully in charge” of my mother, one major advantage we have over many children tying to help struggling parents is that we have been dealing with cerebral issues and my intervention in Mom’s personal space as a matter of necessity since 2005. The adjustment was more problematic when I was simultaneously trying to help re-hab her and “insert myself” in so doing when she knew darn well her son should NEVER be telling her what to do.
That process is painful and one of re-establishing an entirely new form of trust. However, by the time of this post, both of us were (if only subconsciously) aware of the permanence of the changed dynamic. In fact, a few weeks prior to this I asked (for about the 813th time) Mom how she felt about living with me on an open, ongoing basis and she replied:
“Well, if you weren’t here I’d have to hire someone else to do it,” which demonstrated her grasp of the situation in general if vague terms, enough so that it radically helps us get past any disputes over, say, the direction we take home. When mm tries to insist we take a route that would require circumnavigation of the globe to return home, I can ask her to trust me to stop it from “getting bad” and being an argument. I have felt her swap trusting herself in the world to trusting me to guide her through it, more or less a ‘plan b’ that she can feel good with.
Truly, in my life, she has never given me a greater compliment than her trust from day to day, knowing how defiant she has been throughout her cerebral issues. But as the basic responsibilities for absolutely everything (except giving the cats treats) has moved to me, given the proximity to our history the present always provides, I struggled against “becoming the parent.” One of the main things has been to learn how to continue to invest personal sovereignty in someone who has difficulty in wielding it. Keeping her the boss is a partnership; Keeping her the reason is the method, keeping myself the child makes her stronger. But the mind fuddle is extreme and my psyche has taken longer than my mind to grasp how to care as a child and remain the child as the act of honoring my Mom.
April 6, 2015
Note to self: Donna is your mother. No matter what happens, no matter how responsibility gets divided, your mother is and always will be your mother. Ignore all comments about “you are the parent now,” if you treat your mother like your child you are an ass. She is still in charge in every manner she can be so. You are to remain her child not just because it is true, but also out of respect. Remember this while you may make tortured yet real analogies about your youth in your mind.
Mom stays mom, boy stays boy. Be a good boy. :end note to self.
Needed to say that. Carry on.